Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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