im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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