does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
