You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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