he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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