So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
