My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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