The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
