Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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