insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
