you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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