I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
