just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize