I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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