I'm drive I can fine osifer
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
