I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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