I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
