Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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