two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
