grandma shit on top of the toilet
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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