Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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