I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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