Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize