I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
