At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
