Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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