I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
We talked him into tasing himself.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
how do you play pong handcuffed?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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