worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
