Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He felt like a one man threesome
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
