so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
