life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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