Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
