if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
