new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
