He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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