I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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