I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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