I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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