After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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