It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
