I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Found the puke drawer
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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