By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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