after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
