I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
So much Jack, so little girl.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize