Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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