Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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