i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
