I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
