I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
