I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
