i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
