Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
