There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
