someone threw a dead crab at me
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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