Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
home. puking in laundry basket.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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