chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
