I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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