Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
